Yesterday I attempted to participate in one of Miss Snark’s First Victim’s logline contests, but failed to get my entry in on time 🙁 – (entries were closed within 2 minutes!)
But today she posted about an ongoing logline blogfest being hosted by Steena at Chocolate Reality. It seems I may be a little too late for it as well (it actually started on Nov 1) but thought I’d throw my hat into the ring anyways.
And with that, here’s my logline #1 for my dark fantasy novel, Watcher:
No longer human and forced to live in isolation to protect her secret, Sunny Martin’s lonely existence changes when she meets Nicolas, the enigmatic leader of a hidden society–but as they’re swept into a whirlwind of passion, betrayal, and murder, Sunny faces an agonizing choice: give up her soul for the one she loves, or spend eternity alone.
~~~~~~~~~
Based on some of the feedback I’ve received on the above logline, here’s a completely different one. I’m thinking I might end up with a combination of the two.
Logline #2
Predator, killer, monster – these are all labels that Sunny Martin applies to herself since the night she was savaged and drained of her blood. Struggling to survive on the edge of a human world she no longer belongs to, she discovers a second world, a world of dangerous beings akin to her, yet not. Her journey to bridge the two is one that brings unexpected love and heartbreak, and true transformation.
~~~~~~~~~
Combination: Logline #3:
Predator, killer, monster – these are all labels that Sunny Martin applies to herself since the night she was ripped through her car window and drained of her blood. Struggling to survive on the edge of a human world she no longer belongs to, her lonely existence changes when she meets Nicolas, the enigmatic leader of a hidden society–but as they’re swept into a whirlwind of passion, betrayal, and murder, Sunny faces an agonizing choice: give up her soul for the one she loves, or spend eternity alone.
~~~~~~~~~
Logline #4 – I think this might be the one:
Predator, killer, monster – these are all labels Sunny Martin applies to herself since the night she was ripped through her car window and drained of her blood. Struggling to survive on the edge of a human world she no longer belongs to, her lonely existence changes when she meets Nicolas, the enigmatic leader of a hidden society–but soon their passion, tainted by betrayal and murder, drives Sunny toward an agonizing choice: give up her soul for the one she loves, or spend eternity alone.
~~~~~~~~~
And it’s too late for the contest, but here’s Logline #5:
Predator, killer, monster–these are all labels Sunny Martin applies to herself since the night she was ripped through her car window and drained of her blood. Her lonely existence changes when she meets Nicolas, the enigmatic leader of a hidden society–but soon their passion, tainted by betrayal and murder, drives Sunny toward an agonizing choice: give up her soul for the one she loves, or remain alone…forever.
~~~~~~~~~
A suggestion from someone near and dear to me is to rearrange a couple of the opening words. I think this works better…thanks, Tristain!
The latest incarnation, Logline #6:
Monster, predator, killer–these are all labels Sunny Martin applies to herself since the night she was ripped through her car window and drained of her blood. Her lonely existence changes when she meets Nicolas, the enigmatic leader of a hidden society–but soon their passion, tainted by betrayal and murder, drives Sunny toward an agonizing choice: give up her soul for the one she loves, or remain alone…forever.
~~~~~~~~~
Let me know what you think!
Be sure to go here to read the other logline entries in this ‘fest.
And thanks, Steena, for hosting such an awesome blogfest!
I didn’t know you were participating- bummer!
I like the improvements you’ve made. Well done 🙂
Number 4 is my favorite. It’s absolutely great
Azimuth – thanks! I think #1 still kinda works as a one-liner, but I’m tempted to switch out the ‘whirlwind’ phrase for the ‘tainted’ phrase I used in #4.
As for your other suggestion, I’m thinking I like it:
Predator, killer, monster – these are all labels Sunny Martin applies to herself since the night she was ripped through her car window and drained of her blood. Her lonely existence changes when she meets Nicolas, the enigmatic leader of a hidden society–but soon their passion, tainted by betrayal and murder, drives Sunny toward an agonizing choice: give up her soul for the one she loves, or spend eternity alone.
Thanks, Cat! I appreciate your comment!
Hi and thanks for your crit at my blog!
I like the first logline for brevity and the subsequent ones for voice.
I think there is a bit too much info in the second sentence — perhaps take out the first clause?
Good luck!
Grabbed your logline 🙂
Wow, this has come a long way! I would just suggest some tightening:
Predator, killer, monster – these are all labels Sunny Martin applies to herself since the night she was drained of her blood. Struggling to survive on the edge of the now estranged human world, her lonely existence changes when she meets Nicolas, the enigmatic leader of a hidden society–but soon their passion, tainted by betrayal and murder, drives Sunny toward an agonizing choice: give up her soul for the one she loves, or spend eternity alone.
Good luck!
Thank you for the feedback, Nicole!
Now it’s time to trim it down to a one-liner…urgh.
I was thinking about this a bit, and I think betrayal and mistrust kind of go hand in hand (imho at least), so if you eliminate one of them, you’d be good. That will probably tighten things up enough 🙂
Thanks, Mer – that’s exactly what I did! I’m glad you caught the ‘double-list’ thing. I usually pick up on those kind of redundancies, but in this case I was rushing and made the mistake of not reading it aloud.
Note to self – ALWAYS read stuff aloud before posting it!
Hi! Your story sounds awesome. I would definitely want to read more. I think you have a lot of valid and helpful comments here. I like Mer’s last suggestion (#15). Good luck! 🙂
Hi Shannon – thank for your comment. Good luck as well!
I really like the blending, especially #4. Spices things up 🙂 I think your concerns about wordiness might be helped by eliminating one (or maybe both?) of your lists. You have one at the start and one in the last phrase. Maybe to start with, just have Sunny seeing herself as a monster–I think that kind of sums up the rest of it. The second list, just could probably just stick with ‘tainted by murder’ imho. (Because, that is just an awesome little tidbit!) Overall, I think is is really rockin’!
Hi Mer,
Thanks for the additional feedback. I’ll think about eliminating the opening list.
As for shortening the second to murder only, it’s the betrayal that rips Sunny up even more. I’ll take out the mistrust (tho it’s critical, too) and see if it flows any better.
I look forward to seeing your blended version. I think you’re definitely getting there.
Maybe something like: “When Sunny Martin is stripped of her humanity the night she is ravaged and drained of her blood, she struggles to survive on the edge of a human world she no longer belongs to. But upon discovering a second world, a world of dangerous beings akin to her, she must find a way to bridge the two or _____ (stakes).”
Karen – thanks for your suggestions. I like the ‘stripped of her humanity.’ I’ll think on it.
I like your second version! Very fun 🙂 Only thing is, you lose Nicolas! Can you combine the two to bring back in his story? Also, I’m not a big fan of the “yet not” bit–kind of abrupt and doesn’t quite explain things. I think leaving it as “akin” gets the meaning across.
Wow, not much to crit here.
I like the premise and can’t say there is much left to change.
My ego is shattered 🙂
I like this! I also agree with the other commentors. In order to stand out from the pack, you’ve got to bring some unique elements into this. How is the MC’s immortality work? Murder, love, betrayal, they’re pretty common issues people face–how is the MC’s unique?
What great suggestions! It’s good to get feedback from readers who aren’t familiar with the story.
Mer, Charlotte, Ellie – sounds like it’s important for the reader to know what Sunny is and why she’s in her situation.
Rachael & huntress – thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Laura – it seems you and Mer have the same concerns about what makes Sunny’s story unique.
I’ve posted an alternate logline, but am working on a blend between the two. We’ll see what I can come up with!
Hi, I enjoyed reading your logline, and you’ve got some great comments already – nothing more to add from my end 😉 Glad you joined in the blogfest, it’s been awesome 🙂
Rach
Great logline but I agree with Charlotte, as a reader I want to know whether I’m reading about vampires or some other non-human. Having said that, you could be hiding her new identity for a good reason! I’m intrigued.
Sounds like you’ve got a great story here. I only have a slight problem with the opening words: I want to know why she’s no longer human and why she has to hide. On one hand, you’ve got me intrigued and that’s great, but on the other perhaps you need to indicate why she’s in this position (especially if she’s not a vampire).
Sounds like a really fun read! What I’d really like to see more of, though, is some details. What is she? What kind of passion/betrayal/murder? What’s going on? I think this will add to your uniqueness factor 🙂
Thanks for joining! Having MSFV’s contest fill up in 2 min is exactly the reason why I started the blogfest 😉 Not too late to join either.
Youv’e got some great advice here. We can use two sentences – I don’t know if that will help you expand more.
Thanks, Steena, for hosting thisblogfest – it’s awesome.
I’m working on revisions now.
Hi. Glad you joined the log line blog fest. I agree you can get rid of some of the beginning.
So, let’s see. Sunny is a vamp (I believe we’ve discussed how we have to make our vamps special before) and she meets Nicolas – that’s the inciting incident. Then she falls in love with him and now either has to give up her soul or spend eternity alone. So somehow she’ll either have to give him up or be alone. Of course that can’t happen. true love has to couquer all. =D Sounds exciting!
Hi Nicole and RaShelle. Thanks for commenting.
This is a dark fantasy with romantic elements, but it’s not a romance, and the word ‘vampire’ appears nowhere in the novel. 🙂
What is Sunny since she’s no longer human? Why is she forced into isolation?
Just for now, let’s assume vampire.
I think you can cut out some of the beginning:
Vampire Sunny Martin’s lonely existence…
I don’t think you need the ‘forced to live in isolation’ because the inciting incident seems to be meeting Nicolas.
The rest of the logline is good, but what makes this story unique from other paranormal romances? Focus on that, and your logline will be great. Good luck.